Sunday, August 05, 2007

Tips For Living In Jacksonville

Not sure how true they are, but they were amusing.


1. You must learn to say the city name correctly. It is referred to as "Jax".
2. You must be a Jaguar fan, it is required for citizenship.
Also, you are either a Gator or a Nole. If you do not chose one, one will
be chosen for you. There are no other schools.
3. Forget the traffic rules you learned. No one pays attention to them
here. Merging, yielding, and right-of-way are completely foreign terms.
4. To find anything in Jax it is required that you know where the Regency
Mall is. It is the Alpha and the Omega; the beginning and the end.
5. Directions to anywhere may, and usually do, make a reference to "the old
Pic and Save".
6. The morning rush hour is from 6am to 10am. The evening rush hour is from
3pm to 7pm. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
7. If you stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out, and
possibly shot. Seriously.
8. East Rd. meets West Rd. on Beach Blvd, but they both run North and
9. Normandy Boulevard , State Road 228, Cecil Field Road , Maxville Road , and
Post Street are all the same road.
10. Hartley Road, Shad Road , and Hood Road are all the same road. Hartley
Road is the western part of the road, and Shad Road is the eastern part of
the road. Now don't be confused about this Hood Road . This is the West-East
part that is in between Hartley and Shad, not the North-South part that
starts out as Old Kings Road South , changes into Hood Road South , and ends
at Losco Road .
11. Construction is a permanent fixture in Jax.
The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next day's
driving a bit more exciting.
12. Watch for road hazards such as deer, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones,
cows, horses, pot holes, cats, pieces of other cars, single shoes, truck tires,
raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, crows or vultures.
13. The minimum acceptable speed on JTB is 75 mph. Anything less is
considered downright sissy. Sorry Grannies.. This is Jacksonville 's version
14. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously.
15. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 55 zone, you are
considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly.
16. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city driving.
17. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
18. There are only two seasons: Summer and January.
19. There is a Westside high school that has a confederate flag as its
school flag, an image of a slave plantation owner as its mascot, and Dixie
as its school song. Dont make a fuss, just accept it. (can we say NB Forrest anyone???)
20. Ponte Vedra is to Middleburg as Oceanfront is to Double-wide.
21. If you choose to live in Orange Park , or, God forbid, Middleburg, plan
to leave for work at 4am and return home around 11pm. Otherwise you may get
caught in what can only be described as "the worl d's longest left-turn
22. Don't get here late and expect something to eat. After 9pm, your
choices are Famous Amos and Village Inn.
23. You can buy a million-dollar condo downtown on the river, but you have
to drive 10 miles for a loaf of bread, and never after dark.
24. The Landing is an interesting place. Every time you visit, there will
be a whole new set of restaurants, fewer stores, and less parking. Hooters,
however, is a permanent fixture. Hmmm.
25. All city council decisions must be signed off on by First Baptist
26. You can't drink alcohol and see naked girls at the same time. But, if
you agree to drink Diet Coke, you can see them fully nude.
27. North Philips highway. Don't go there. Unless you are looking for
motels that charge by the hour.
28. Learn all of the lyrics to every Lynyrd Skynyrd song.
29. If you like southern-style barbecue, there's a restaurant on every
corner. But they all close at 9pm.
30. Convenience stores are EVERYWHERE, unless you live in a million-dollar
condo downtown.
31. You learn that Sin City is a small town within jax.
32. You can attend school 30 days of the year and still graduate from Terry
Parker High School!
33. The different areas of town function as their own cities, and sometimes
forget the others exist.
34. The intercoastal waterway is called "The Ditch." "Crossing The Ditch"
is below anyone with a vehicle.
35 . Fighting in a Duval County highschool carries a mandatory 3 day
suspension, arrest, and transfer to an alternative school. Although,
fighting in the parking lot carries no such consequences.
36. Eddie Farah - enough said.
37. You can easily recognize the Keith Pierson's twin daughters.. however
annoying they may be.
38. This is Duval County . You have a better chance getting shot than
getting your order right at Burger King.
39. There is a Walmart at every street corner. EXCEPT AT THE BEACH!!!!
40. Radio stations have a segment during rush hour called "Road Rage" where
you call and vent... and the phone lines are normally busy.
41. If you order iced tea, it will be served sweet.
42. "Y'all come back now, ya hear

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