Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Things that sound dirty on Thanksgiving!

This amuses me every year, so time to share it:

Things That Sound Dirty On Thanksgiving!!!!!

  1. "Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."
  2. "How many are coming?"
  3. "Just lay back and take it easy--I'll do the rest."
  4. "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
  5. "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
  6. "Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
  7. "How long will it take after you stick it in?"
  8. "How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
  9. "Are you going to come again next time?"
  10. "It's a little dry. Do you still want to eat it?"
  11. "Just wait your turn. You'll get some!"
  12. "Don't play with your meat!"
  13. "Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
  14. "You still have a little bit on your chin."
  15. "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
  16. "Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"
  17. "I am in the mood for a little dark meat."
  18. "And he forces his way into the end zone!"
  19. "It's cool whip time!"
  20. "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!"


jsut testing my new haloscan components

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

It's Tuesday, Do You Know Where Your Liver Is?

It has become a habit for me, a movement in my mind. Sometimes friends join me, sometimes I go it alone. Mrs. Tiki has come along once, but it kind of goes against the grain of thought. I am talking about "Tuesday Afternoon Social Club".

I love my job, in case it isn't evident. But Tiki, one might say, you have to work nights and weekends. Doesn't that suck? Well, I would reply, not really. First, think about your days and nights. Wouldn't you say, for the most part, that you run into more interesting people at night? Second, most people have to wait for vacation (or unemployment) to experience the pure hedonism of being drunk in the middle of a weekday.

There is something very liberating about being on the deck of Finnegan's looking down at the buzzing workers going by on A1A.

Or sitting in the Fisherman's Net eating and drinking as people come and go for lunch.

Or drinking Coronas from the owner as we browse the wares at Bahama Mama's.

It really just further adds to the feeling of being a "perma-vacationer".

(n) As defined in the movie The Heartbreak Kid, someone who lives and works where others come to vacation.

Seriously, when I get a little stressed out all I have to do is look at my life from another point of view. I work 120 feet from the beach. I park in sand when I get to work. I can walk from my front door to the ocean in about 14 minutes.

By the way, when I drive to work or walk to the beach this is the view as I crest the causeway...

Since leaving Missouri and my job in juvenile corrections behind, this is my resume:

April 1996-May 2001 Palm Coast Golf Resort / Ocean Hammock Resort
After starting as a bellman, worked as a front deck clerk and a night auditor. Spent the last three years there as the Front Office Manager. While there, I was involved in the Grand Opening of Ocean Hammock Golf Course. Met a few noteworthy people such as Brooke Shields, Dan Marino, Kyle Petty, Jerry Springer, Joseph Simmons (Run from Run-DMC), Luther Campbell (from 2 Live Crew), Jack Nicklaus, and other golf and tennis names.

July 2001-June 2002 World Golf Village
Although this was not my favorite job, it was still pretty cool. I was the Operations Manager at a hotel in the World Golf Village. Got to meet golf dignitaries such as Bill Murray, Gary McCord, Ben Crenshaw, & Gary Player.

August 2002-September 2004 Tee Times USA
Besides sitting in a beachfront office watching dolphins and talking golf all day, I also got to play some of Florida's top course for free. in fact, for the first 9 years I lived in Florida I didn't pay for a round of golf.

September 2004-July 2005 Henry's Harborside Bar
Back to my roots at the Ocean Hammock Resort, my first bartending job and the birthplace of the nickname "TikiTender". I was just telling a customer last night, I was hired here with no experience. The bar manager, Beth, and I worked together when I was the Front Office Manager. She knew that I was good with customers, hard working, and wasn't a thief. Attention future bartenders, these are the keys that potential employers look for. All the bartending schools in the world will not guarantee you a job. Restaurant owners will expect you to prove your mettle, most likely as a server or a barback, before they will give you the keys to the kingdom. So Beth gave me my shot, and I learned the easy part (drink recipes) from a great team of bartenders and tireless research on my part.

June 2005- Golden Lion
My own private margartaville, the Golden Lion is where I flourished as a bartender. I have signature drinks there and I am forced to stare at the beach during my shift. See the picture below, from our Full Moon Luau? See in the background? You guessed it, it's the Atlantic Ocean.

So....those Life Is Good t-shirts really should have a picture of me. Life is truly good. I really do live in a postcard. Of course, it's a state of mind too. I see people living and working right here where I do that are stressed, miserable, & incessant whiners. I especially enjoy watching them from where ever I might be perched on Tuesday afternoon. Which brings me back around to Tuesday Afternoon Social Club. It's Tuesday. Join me for a drink!!!

If you aren't local, just join me in your mind. Or go out for drinks in your town. Take a long lunch, leave work early. Call me and we will have "phone drinks". Jason & I have had many drunken fantasies of Tuesday Afternoon Social Club catching on all over the country. Let's start it today!!!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

What is a MUG?

(n) : a large cup for hot liquids, usually having a handle and used without a saucer; the face, often used deprecatingly
"what an ugly mug."
(v) : to assault for the purpose of robbery; to pose for photographs in an exaggerated or affected manner

No not those kind of mugs. I am referring to Male Unbifurcated Garments. Unbifurcated garments - including kilts, robes, caftans, sarongs, tunics, and other skirt-like garments - are traditionally male clothing that have been worn by men throughout history. They have been worn by all the men in the Bible, by Roman gladiators, Vikings, and Scottish Highlanders. They are still worn frequently by men in Scotland, throughout Africa, the Middle East, parts of Asia, and the Pacific islands, to name just a few examples.

The real kilt is strictly a male garment - in contrast to unisex clothes like slacks and blue jeans that women wear most of the time.

However, it takes a brave man to wear a kilt, outside of Scotland or Scottish gatherings.

Why? Because, while women can wear almost anything they want nowadays, our society subjects men to a rigid stereotype that confines them to trousers. Few men have the courage to break out of this mold, for fear that their masculinity will be questioned.

Ironically, the men who cling to trousers are missing the opportunity to wear something really masculine, like a man's kilt. A man in a kilt is proud, independent, and courageous. He exudes confidence in his manhood and sexuality. He draws positive reactions from those around him (especially from the ladies).

Furthermore, men in trousers are denying themselves the exquisite comfort and pleasure afforded by kilts and other MUG's. Instead of plodding around with their legs confined and fabric bunched up in their crotches, they could be enjoying freedom and airiness around the legs and crotch, as well as the sensuous feeling of pleats swinging against their thighs.

So that's why I love my MUGs!! That is why I braved the cold ocean winds all day yesterday as I celebrated "Freedom Friday", a new weekly celebration that I am creating right now. So from now on...Friday is kilt day in TikiLand!!!

If you are on myspace, check out my new photo album "Freedom From Pants", to see my MUGs and me in action.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Recipes Page Updated!!!!

Check out the new recipes page at

Now featuring "Tiki Notes". Just look for my little smiling face for special tips, insights, or stories about the recipes.

All new recipes added, as well as some new navigational aides. Enjoy!!!! will take you straight to the recipes page!!

Check out my new friend!!

I ran into this site on Go check out my newest friend from down under!!!

Check my page for more interesting links,

Jo Young Photography - Home

Posted using ShareThis

LinkedIn: Mark Woods

Join me on linkedin

LinkedIn: Mark Woods

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Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Stick tricks - USB memory magic

If, like a growing number of people, you're in possession of a rarely-used USB memory stick, here's four simple but incredibly useful tips that'll not only give it a whole new lease of life but can also simplify your world.

my all new kaboodle...

actually I no longer use kaboodle...i have started using
It's a "wish list" site that utilizes an easy to use toolbar button to add your items. Surfing and see a CD you like? Add it to your list. Easy Peazy!

Anyhow, for your information if you choose to use it. Plus, if you should feel the need to shower me with gifts my wishlist can be found at

I will be adding some items today so check back :-D

‘Cleopatra: Last Queen of Egypt’ |

With the help of everyone from William Shakespeare to Elizabeth Taylor, history has found plenty of ways to depict the ancient world’s most famous woman. Who was Cleopatra? Take your pick: Fearless leader. Sly seductress. Brazen hussy.

Separating the truth from myth about Cleopatra is no easy matter. British historian Joyce Tyldesley makes a valiant attempt in her new biography, Cleopatra: Last Queen of Egypt, but she has trouble giving us a full portrait of this most mysterious of monarchs.

‘Cleopatra: Last Queen of Egypt’ |

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Monday, November 17, 2008

What exactly is Beaujolais Nouveau Night?

Every year, over a million cases of Beaujolais Nouveau are shipped worldwide via boat, plane, motorcycle, rickshaw and elephant in preparation for the 12:01 AM release on the third Thursday of each November. Some say by the time that day is over, nearly half of the region's total annual production will be distributed and drunk around the world.

Join me Thursday night at the Golden Lion for the 16th year of celebrating the arrival of Beaujolais Nouveau!!!!

10 Fascinating Facts About Beaujolais Nouveau Every Wine Lover Should Know:

1. Beaujolais [BOE-zjoh-lay] Nouveau is always released the third Thursday of November, regardless of the start of the harvest.

2. The region of Beaujolais is 34 miles long from north to south and 7 to 9 miles wide. There are nearly 4,000 grape growers who make their living in this picturesque region just north of France's third largest city, Lyon.

3. All the grapes in the Beaujolais region must be picked by hand. These are the only vineyards, along with Champagne, where hand harvesting is mandatory.

4. Gamay (Gamay noir Jus Blanc) is the only grape permitted for Beaujolais. While certain California wineries may label their wine "Gamay Beaujolais" this is not the same grape variety as what is grown in France, and is quite different in taste and growing habits.

5. Beaujolais Nouveau cannot be made from grapes grown in the 10 crus (great growths) of Beaujolais-only from grapes coming from the appellations of Beaujolais and Beaujolais-Villages.

6. Beaujolais Nouveau owes its easy drinkability to a winemaking process called carbonic maceration, also called whole berry fermentation. This technique preserves the fresh, fruity quality of the wine, without extracting bitter tannins from the grape skins.

7. Beaujolais Nouveau is meant to be drunk young-in average vintages it should be consumed by the following May after its release. However, in excellent vintages (such as 2000) the wine can live much longer and can be enjoyed until the next harvest rolls around.

8. Serve Beaujolais Nouveau slightly cool, at about 55 degrees Fahrenheit-the wine is more refreshing and its forward fruit more apparent than if you serve it at room temperature.

9. Approximately 1/3 of the entire crop of the Beaujolais region is sold as Beaujolais Nouveau.

10. The region of Beaujolais is known for its fabulous food. The famed Paul Bocuse Restaurant is just minutes from the heart of Beaujolais, as is Georges Blanc's eponymous culinary temple. These great restaurants have plenty of Beaujolais on their wine lists. This quintessential food wine goes well with either haute cuisine or Tuesday night's meat loaf.

Simply put, Beaujolais Nouveau is as about as close to white wine as a red wine can get. Due to the way it is made—the must is pressed early after only three days—the phenolic compounds, in particular the astringent tannin, normally found in red wines, isn`t there, leaving an easy to drink, fruity wine. This coupled with the fact that it tastes best when chilled, makes for a festive wine to be gulped rather than sipped, enjoyed in high spirits rather than critiqued. As a side note, it makes a great transitional wine for anyone wanting to move from white to red wines.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Today's Drink Recipe: Melonini


4 oz Watermelon Pucker®
2 oz Absolut® Kurant

Shake ingredients with ice. Strain into a martini glass. Enjoy!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Today's Recipe: Appletini

One of several ways to make this "girlie" classic.


3 oz vodka
1 1/2 oz triple sec
1 1/2 oz apple Pucker®

Shake with ice until frothy. Strain into a chilled martini glass. Garnish with a slice of green apple.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Today's Drink Recipe: Tini Bikini

Tini Bikini

2 oz vodka
1 oz coconut rum
1 oz pineapple juice
1 splash grenadine syrup

Shake all ingredients with ice. Strain into a chilled martini glass. Enjoy!

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Locks Of Tiki: A Survey

The question of the day: Should my curls grow back?

Yes! Your fro was the shit!
No! Dude you are much hotter now.
You are an SMF either way.
I am not that into your manscaping.

(View Results)

Create a Poll

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Author Michael Crichton says goodbye

Sandee's Dirty Snatch Is Famous?

Yesterday morning I received a text message from my friend Sandee. It was in text shorthand so here it is expanded to normal English:

"Hey John just called me to tell me that his buddy at work told him that his friend is a bartender at the Landing in Jacksonville (Florida) and two people came into his bar this weekend and asked for Sandee's Dirty Snatch. My snatch is famous."

How sweet is that?!? It has to be a customer of mine, or maybe it's someone who reads my recipes. Either way it is pretty sweet!!!

From my recipe's page:

Sandee's Dirty Snatch©
A modification of my Tight Snatch recipe. Created for the founder of the Phlockers of Flagler County, and also a good friend, Sandee.

1/2 oz Bacardi® light rum
1/2 oz peach schnapps
1/2 oz Malibu® coconut rum
1/4 oz Chambord® raspberry liqueur
splash pineapple juice
splash cranberry juice

Combine all ingredients in an ice filled shaker. Shake and strain into a rocks or cocktail glass.

Sandee & her Dirty Snatch

Monday, November 03, 2008

Positive Quote Of The Day (with additional Tiki commentary)


The real measure of your wealth is how much you'd be worth if you
lost all your money.

-- Bernard Meltzer (1914-) American Law Professor

"So, by sacrificing a couple of luxury items to help my less fortunate brothers and sisters I am actually increasing my wealth."

--Mark Woods, (1972-) American Bartender

This could seriously be one of my top 10 favorite positive quotes of the day. I guess I am a Commie because I don't mind "spreading the wealth". In fact, I do it all the time. Through charitable donations, lending money to friends, giving someone a friendly smile or a shoulder to lean on, being honest in my financial dealings, giving the harried server at my favorite breakfast spot a giant tip. While not immune to my little tantrums and swearing, I am twice as likely to be cracking a joke to make someone smile. I go out of my way to help others enjoy life.

I earn a a comfortable living. My wife and I both work hard. She is a primary school teacher, but also works part-time as a banquets server. I am a bartender (in case you didn't notice) who also earns money doing web design & maintenance. The median income for a household in my area is about $40,000. We are not wealthy by worldly standards, but we are at nearly double that number. My wife's car (used to be mine *sniff*) is about 6 years old, but reliable and in decent shape. I am sure many of you have seen the latest incarnation of the TikiMobile, a 1994 LeBaron convertible with a non-functioning passenger door, leaky top, and pealing paint. I have never been a "car as a status symbol" kind a guy anyway. It's a good thing too! Of course the ultimate status symbol is friends, friends who don't mind climbing in "Dukes of Hazzard" style. Those of you that have been in my house know that it is not new & not huge. Nor is it in a fancy neighborhood. It is, however, warm and welcoming. My couch has been occupied by many a body through the years (sometimes over mrs. tiki's objections).

So we earn decent money, are relatively debt free, and generally don't want for much. We have lots of financial "margin", which is very liberating. Mrs. Tiki can spend money on our new nephew without real consequence. I do grumble about it, but that is really only to let her know that I notice, and that it is really okay. We can support charitable causes through our friends by buying in to fundraisers (Girl Scout cookies and the like), donating to the MS-150, helping save the ta-tas, making donations to the United Methodist Children's home in central Florida, etc. I am always willing to lend a few dollars to a friend in need (that is not an invitation people LOL).

I am thankful every day that we are able to do what we do. We are very blessed that we have somewhat recession-proof jobs with above average inc0me.

It's really a philosophical stance, the "sharing of wealth". I guess the NOBAMA wing takes issue with the idea of being forced to do it, which is a fair stance. At the end of the day, I have always said there are two types of people: Those who say "what can I do to help others" and those who say "how can I help myself". I have always considered myself the former, which is one of the reasons I have historically voted to the left. I will take that into the voting booth on Tuesday.

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Sunday, November 02, 2008

Five questions about America this election may answer / from The Boston Globe

Five questions about America this election may answer

By Peter S. Canellos Globe Staff / November 2, 2008

Read the article here

Is the "Reagan Revolution" over? Going down the stretch, McCain is campaigning heavily on Obama's comment that he wants to "spread the wealth." And McCain has even discovered a seven-year-old radio interview suggesting that Obama may believe in "redistributive" economics.

During the heyday of the Democrats' New Deal coalition, which dominated politics from 1932 until 1980, the idea of spreading the wealth around was hardly political poison - it was the backbone of the party's economic philosophy.

Is America prepared to move beyond its racial divisions?
On the day of Obama's Democratic nomination acceptance speech, tens of thousands of African-Americans, most with children in tow, waited for hours in security lines to enter Denver's football stadium to celebrate the crowning of the nation's first black presidential nominee.

Are young people becoming a driving force in American politics? Back in the '60s, the emerging Baby Boom generation pushed American politics leftward. But through the '80s and '90s, voters under 30 see-sawed between backing Democrats and Republicans, while turning out in smaller numbers overall. Their strongest sentiment seemed to be their indifference.

How much do Americans care about their image in the world?
Arguably, the opinions of foreigners have never counted for anything in US politics. Some of the most unpopular American presidents in the outside world - such as Reagan - were hugely popular at home, while those most concerned with the world - like Hoover and Carter - were domestic flops.

What does it mean to be a conservative? The Republican coalition has been compared to a stool with three legs - strong national defense, low taxes, and conservative social values. It's never been a secret that many Republicans buy into only one or another of the three legs, but they've bought in strongly enough that their disagreements with the others haven't mattered. Recently, though, the stool has been wobbling.

Biden at ERAU tonight; Obama, McCain in state Monday

Biden at ERAU tonight; Obama, McCain in state Monday

If anyone had doubts about Florida's status as an absolutely key swing state in the presidential election, the itineraries of the candidates and their surrogates should put those doubts to rest.


Democratic vice-presidential candidate Joe Biden and his wife, Jill, will be at the ICI Center at Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University in Daytona Beach. Doors open at 5 p.m. The program begins at 7:15 p.m. The event is free and open to the public. Tickets are not required, but space is available on a first come, first serve basis. To RSVP, visit

The ICI Center is at 600 S. Clyde Morris Blvd.


Presidential candidates Barack Obama and John McCain are ready to make final swings through Florida before Election Day.

Obama will rally voters Monday morning at Jacksonville Veterans Memorial Arena. Doors open at 8:30 a.m. Tickets are not required, but an RSVP is encouraged at Space is limited and is available on a first-come, first-served basis.

McCain, following a rally Sunday night at the Bank United Center in Coral Gables, will stage a rally Monday morning in Tampa outside Raymond James Stadium. Doors open for the Tampa event at 6 a.m. Tickets can be printed online by visiting and clicking on Events. Tickets do not guarantee entrance.

More election information available at

Saturday, November 01, 2008

halloween pics

are up on myspace...and flickr

No surprise here....

Last night at the Golden Lion we had a tarot card reader. She is a nice lady with whom I am friends on Myspace. She read last year at the Lion also. She finally convinced me to let her look at my palms. More about what she said in another post.

The point of this quick blog is that while I was looking up more information about her reading I discover this little nugget regarding finger length in individuals, specifically the length of the ring finger relative to the index finger. Now, I haven't researched palm reading before. Until a few minutes ago I didn't know what the life line was. Believe it or not, but you can't tell me that these two statements don't match me.

"If your ring finger is longer than your index finger, this indicates you have plenty of creative and original ideas. You are good at marketing yourself and you thrive on other people's appreciation of your talents. You will enjoy a job where you can demonstrate your talents and skills. Your weakness under stress is that you become defensive when you fear that people will reject your work."

"If your ring finger is longer than the normal height, you may tend to have an artistic talent, as well as a reckless and wild nature."

Nothing like me at all right?